The following article is a joke and should not be taken seriously. The author does not actually care about Achievements.

 

So today Wizards of the Coast announced the best thing to happen to Magic: The Gathering ever. An announcement that overshadows anything else ever announced before. Today Wizards brings us the beta of Planeswalker Points Achievements.

What are PWP Achievements? You can find out in the full article here, but I will also give you a quick breakdown. Remember those achievement cards that Wizards introduced at Pre-Release and Release events about a year ago? No? They were there for Innistrad and Dark Ascension. Still don’t remember? Maybe you used them during Avacyn Restored Helvault events, where most people discovered their existence. During that event people could use achievements to help open the Helvault for prizes. Now I know the disappointment of the prizes may have overshadowed the achievement cards, but they were there. How about that time you used those achievement cards during the M13 events? Yes, they were still making these cards and giving them out. Wasn’t that awesome? Didn’t you feel cool giving people high fives when you did stuff? Well now you can have that same satisfaction online for everyone to see!

Yes, a system that most players never used the past year (besides the Avacyn Event) has moved online for people to never use and share with their friends. A direct quote from the article:

When you play in your local store in events, you can get awards and qualifications to even bigger, more impressive events. Now you have a Scorecard you can share with your friends to show them the cool things you are doing.

and:

Planeswalker Points now gives us a way to show that you are awesome for doing cool things in addition to collecting points and leveling up.

Yes. This is what Magic has been missing and what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. I was so anxious to show people how awesome I am for doing cool things!
There was a time when I used to tell everyone my Planeswalker level. I used this tactic to intimidate other players, and it worked like a charm. “Oh, you’re just an level 28 Guildmage?” I’d ask while getting ready to play my opponent. “Get outta here noob!” I’d tell them as I knock all their cards to the floor and walk away. “I don’t have time for players like you.” It was tough love. Why waste my time with a Guildmage when I myself was a Sorcerer? There was no point.

But then came a time where I was facing Battlemages and Archmages, players with higher points and levels. It was tough; how could I convince them I was cool and awesome? I could show them my all foil Japanese deck, but then they’d have all foil Russian decks. I could show them my Top 8 pins, but they would have twice as many. Beta dual lands? They had Alpha duals signed. I couldn’t compete.

For the past few weeks I was at a loss. How could I show people my awesomeness with only my Planeswalker ranking? It was dark times. I considered quitting the game. I deleted Magic Online from my computer. I even quit reading most articles about the game. But fortunately I held on, and this mornings announcement has changed me. This was like a breath of fresh air. One I welcome with open arms.

Let’s look at the categories for awesomeness:

Series Achievements: As Easy as Level 1-2-3

The first category of achievements we are releasing are series achievements. A series achievement is three levels of accomplishment, all centered around one kind of activity. They basically progress in easy-medium-hard, like you would expect. As you move through the levels of these achievements, your badge for it “levels up” and shows your highest level of success in this activity to date.

Cumulative Achievements: If At First You Succeed, Achieve, Achieve Again

Achievements are, at their heart, a record of the cool things you have done. The second category of achievements is cumulative achievements—you can earn more than one if you do the activity multiple times. We want you to be proud of your Magic accomplishments, and that includes being awesome in the same way over the course of many events. It takes a lot to compete in a Pro Tour, for example, and that accomplishment only gets more impressive as you do it again and again.

One-Shot Achievements: You Only Achieve Once

We don’t want to lay out everything for all time in front of you from the start. Not only is that kind of brain-melting, but it also cuts out the fun of discovery: is there something you can do that very few other people have done? That’s where our third category comes in—one-shot achievements can only be earned once, and remain hidden until you have done so. (You might learn about them from friends/celebrities who have earned them, or you might be surprised and delighted to earn one for a job well done!)

They seem simple enough. Series Achievements are basically what the Planeswalker levels are right now, just in fancy badge form. Cumulative Achievements are there to make you proud and show people you are awesome. The One shot Achievements are so awesome that can’t tell us all of them at the moment. That would be “brain-melting” as they put it, so we must be patient. But they include fun ones like below:

 

I don’t want to know what the Glory Hole Seeker Image looks like.

 

And this is only the Beta! Can you imagine the full release? It would not only be brain melting, but may also be face melting. I am personally glad that Wizards decided to get rid of programs such at the Players Rewards because it gave them the budget to create digital badges that we can impress our friends with. I can’t wait to have my friends look up my Planeswalker points online and see my amazing achievements. And the ladies will love it too, this is one surefire way to attract them. Nothing says “I’m cool” more than Planewalker Points Achievements.